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A funeral - 101

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket
out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They
hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is
held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out
the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband
cries out: "Watch that fucking wall!"

A lot better. - 91

A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with
his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end
and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the
customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what
he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman
brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other
patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he
would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more.
"The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man.
Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he
asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"

The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."

Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your
wife? Where is she?"

"She's standing here next to me."

The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the
edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any
bigger than your hand!"

The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"