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The Wild, Wild West - 118

The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter
alive.

Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the
reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid
went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend
looked him up and down and said, "I got a suggestion that's sure to
help."

"Tell me, Tell me!" said the young dude.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"You damn betcha," said the old man.

The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie
off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped! Got any more
suggestions?"

"Yeah - If you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the
hammer hits, the gun'll slide out a lot smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"You damn betcha."

The dude did as he was told, then drew his gun, and lightning quick,
shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me out!
Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old timer. "Get that can of axle grease
over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The fellow didn't hesitate and immediately started smearing the grease
on the gun barrel.

"No, no, the whole gun," said the graybeard. "Handle and everything."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that bar
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and this way it won't
hurt so much."

Custody Battle - 82

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the
local court of a small, remote village. During the proceedings, custody of
the children was the big problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since
she had brought the children into the world, she should be the one to
retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer was also seeking custody of the children. The
judge asked for his side of the story.

After a lengthy silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and
said, "Judge, when I put a dollar into a coke machine and a coke comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?"