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Claude the hypnotist - 43

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre ..

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance
- I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the
light.

Claude the hypnotist said: "I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred
pieces.

"shit!" said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Centre

Vending Machine - 116


An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine,
inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the
machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman
pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the
best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a
sign that read, "Manicures, $20." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He
paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his
hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign
that read, "This machine provides a service men need when away from
their wives, 50 cents." The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents
in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck
his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the
guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds
later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to
withdraw his tender unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the
end.