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Cremated husband - 30

Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio
table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him....

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with
the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it
with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought
it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman,
remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

New Use for Viagra - 119

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a
prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many
do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4
pieces."

The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex
anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my shoes."