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Tax Auditor - 23

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment
with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised
when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money by
gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other
eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes
his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has
bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six
thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pi$$ into that
rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
strains for all his worth, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss
into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and
pi$$ all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it...'

Mind your manners - 94

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he
gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.
"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the
dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is
this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then,"
he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."