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Mom And Uncle Frank - 122

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of
golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy
who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads
back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's
voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a
brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then.
Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock
on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my
car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes
later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you
said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with
no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug
and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God!
What about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too,
and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the
swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all
the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and
now he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this

New Doctor - 10

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I
replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"