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Cremated husband - 30

Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio
table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him....

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with
the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it
with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought
it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman,
remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

The Happy Hangover - 33

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home
from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did
something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on
the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner
tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting
for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what
happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your
mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked
in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone,
I'm married!'"