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Last Laugh - 51

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!"

Then silence.

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking,
the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled
it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"

Cremated husband - 30

Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio
table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him....

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with
the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it
with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought
it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman,
remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."