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The Wild, Wild West - 118

The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter
alive.

Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the
reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid
went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend
looked him up and down and said, "I got a suggestion that's sure to
help."

"Tell me, Tell me!" said the young dude.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"You damn betcha," said the old man.

The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie
off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped! Got any more
suggestions?"

"Yeah - If you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the
hammer hits, the gun'll slide out a lot smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"You damn betcha."

The dude did as he was told, then drew his gun, and lightning quick,
shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me out!
Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old timer. "Get that can of axle grease
over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The fellow didn't hesitate and immediately started smearing the grease
on the gun barrel.

"No, no, the whole gun," said the graybeard. "Handle and everything."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that bar
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and this way it won't
hurt so much."

From doctor to mechanic - 106

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to
retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his
practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day
of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to
complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates.
Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the
other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day,
John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam.
John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do
this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor
replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I
awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you
an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."